“I am so worried about my daughter; she has no friends.”

“When I try to stop my son’s tantrum it gets worse.”

“How is my daughter ever going to make it in college if she struggles this way now?.”

“Consequences don’t work. Nothing seems to work.”

“He drives everyone crazy but doesn’t realize he’s doing it.”

“I don’t know how to help.”

I hope after reading this book, you will have a range of tools to address these concerns and more. My intention is to provide you with unique support skills and strategies so that you feel more competent, more impactful, and more hopeful about your child’s social development. This manual outlines many of the techniques that we use in the Art of Friendship Social-Coping Program® and Camp Pegasus. I also recommend many of these ideas in consultations with parents and schools. You will learn a support and training framework that wraps around and cradles your child during the process of social-emotional learning.

Neurodiversity

Dictionary.com defines neurodiversity as “the range of differences in individual brain function and behavioral traits, regarded as part of normal variation in the human population (used especially in the context of autistic spectrum disorders).” Neurodiversity was coined by self-advocates, [BL1] who are adults with Autism. It combats discrimination experienced by high-functioning individuals with Autism engaging in the neuro-typical mainstream world. Neurodiversity offers an accepting and positive connotation for an individual’s experience living with social communication differences. Embedded in this wonderful word is the understanding that each person’s personality, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all are differentiated by an almost infinite number of variations of brain wiring. We should accept each person for who he is and how he functions, whether he is functioning neuro-typically, has Autism, uses a wheelchair, is dyslexic, uses a hearing aid, or is blind. We must celebrate each person’s gifts and support their efforts to cope with challenges.

The average person, often called neurotypical, needs to become aware of, accepting of, and inclusive of the wider range of neurodiverse individuals. We should integrate, collaborate with, and work equitably with the increasingly neurodiverse population that is now integrating into modern society.

In no way am I co-opting the word “neurodiversity,” nor do I want to diminish its potency; but I wish we could extend “neurodiversity” to recognize that you and I and all people are neurodiverse. There is great wisdom in that term. It speaks to all of us. (I’ve grappled with executive functioning skills, I can’t remember names at all, and I may have an undiagnosed learning difference in mathematics, myself.) We are all in the same boat, just trying to make it in this world. We all have genetically informed strengths and weaknesses and we should strive to accept each other’s different wiring. In my mind, the Golden Rule was never more vital: “Treat others as you would want them to treat you.”

Along with all his gifts, the neurodiverse child may have difficulty engaging in age-appropriate activities, be they social, academic, or within the family. Environmental demands may overwhelm the child and cause problems in emotional coping. Social demands may confuse the child and cause problems with interactions with peers or adults. The neuro-diverse person can and will enter mainstream society and, like you and me, strive to function at his personal best. He behaves differently than the average person, and therefore, often faces rejection, discrimination, or marginalization.

Neurodiverse children can experience a great deal of adversity moving out of the nursery and into the neuro-typical social and academic world. Growing up neurodiverse can be hard. Please know that this book is written with love, admiration, and respect for the neurodiverse individual. My campers’ and clients’ efforts to engage with the mainstream world are inspirational, and they remind me of my own struggles to grow up, fit in, and succeed.

The lessons I teach throughout the Art of Friendship series[BL2] , and the support strategies I share in this book are never intended to make neurodiverse people feel “less than,” defective, or marginalized. Each person has a core, some call it a spirit, that is glorious and special, and I never profess to change people. Treatment goals are always to help the child function better, with greater ease, and become the best possible version of himself—both for today and for the future. Like you, I pray that your child can emerge from childhood with the best possible self-image, self-efficacy, and confidence. 

If you picked up this book, you are the intended audience. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, or other caregiver; whether you are a therapist, support professional, or an educator; you know, love, or work with a neurodiverse child. You are among a group of concerned adults who wish to positively facilitate social-emotional development—and to intervene effectively through rough spots. For clarity and simplicity, this group of adults will be called “caregivers” for the remainder of this book.

As you read this, you may come across a phrase, a strategy, or even a whole section that doesn’t resonate. Perhaps certain parts won’t fit your child’s personality or your family/classroom values. Like I always tell my campers and clients, please don’t reject the whole book if one thing or another doesn’t fit your needs. This book is a collection of ideas, and I encourage you to read this like a collector. Look for gems scattered throughout that you can use or adapt. Even if you take only one thing from this book, you will be making your child’s life better. 

Social-Emotional Cognitive Challenges (SECCs)

Michelle Garcia Winner, the well-known grandmother of social skills training, coined the term Social Cognitive Deficits (SCDs) in 2007. SCDs describe social difficulties appearing across diagnoses of that era such as ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome, and Pervasive Developmental Delay. Winner correctly found that these collective conditions are caused by cognitive deficits”. Simply, thay have certain cognitive blind spots, mental distortions, or perceptual errors. Over the years, my group moved away from using the word “Deficits” which connotes something lacking. We reframed them as “social cognitive challenges,” SCC’s, if you will—a more person-centered term respecting neurodiversity and the struggle—and ability—to overcome. “Social skills groups” is probably the most common term for social skill [BL3] training in a peer group setting. The wisdom of experience taught me that the terms “SCDs” and “social skills groups” are limiting. They limit our understanding of a child’s holistic functioning and they imply that the child is a cognitive-behavior automaton who simply needs to learn and perform social behaviors.

What about the soul of the child? What about his lived emotional and sensory experience? Over time, my group added to the SCC concept the word “emotional,” because social skills do not occur in isolation. Over thousands of hours facilitating social skills therapy with children, I noticed simultaneous emotional overreactions, distortions, and eruptions. Inner tensions or emotions contribute to children’s dysregulated feelings and behaviors. Strong feelings spark instinctive impulses to act. Biological instincts (fight, flight, and freeze for example) don’t play well in social groups or relationships. I always say, “You can’t do social if you’re freaking out.” In light of this discovery, I coined the descriptor, Social-Emotional Cognitive Challenges (SECCs). Our services offer “Social-Coping Skills” featuring direct instruction and practice in both social skills and emotional coping skills.

SECCs are clusters of social-emotional traits that concentrate on the following areas: cognitive processing (learning and understanding), executive functioning (organizing, sequencing, inhibiting impulses), social communication/social cognition (reading social cues, inferring others’ perspective, pragmatic language[BL4] ), emotion awareness/management, and sensory integration. Because of my therapy and counseling training, my dual focus includes biological (wiring) factors as well as emotional (psychological, coping) factors.

Many kids who need help with social skills and emotional coping skills do not have a formal psychiatric diagnosis. A person qualifies for a psychiatric diagnosis when coping skills gaps cluster strongly around one (or more) functional area and then get in the way of his functioning. The child may receive a diagnosis such as ADHD, High Functioning Autism, learning differences, or other, less common neuro-developmental (brain-based) disorders.

When I talk about the child with SECCs, I refer to “the child” or “your child.” When talking about children and teens I use the terms “child,” “youth,” “children,” “student,” and “kid” interchangeably. Also, regarding my use of pronouns, when I provide examples of behavior or skills, “he” and “his” alternate with “she” and “hers” from chapter to chapter.

The support strategies contained in this book were originally designed to meet the needs of children with SECCs. However, parents and teachers tell us that neurotypical children and children with emotional support needs quickly benefit from Social-Coping Skill instruction and coaching, as well. The difference is neurotypical children tend to simply need the tips, but with less intensity and repetition to acquire social and coping skills.

The children who will most benefit from this book experience neurologically based SECCs. They misread social cues, feel anxious or angry, and wind up isolated, ostracized, teased, or bullied. Their social challenges (and special gifts) stem from a unique mental processing style - like a social learning difference—that requires a specific treatment approach. The children we serve are often excellent at learning and retaining visual and active social skills lessons. The devil is in the execution of these new social skills in the real world.

What impedes execution of behavior in general and social skills specifically? Impulsiveness and weaker self-regulation short-circuit the best-laid plans. Impulsiveness makes it impossible to stick to a plan. Plans often consist of a sequence of steps: “First I will do X, then I will do Y, then I will do Z.” Impulsive children may exuberantly forget to do X, and the rest of the plan dissolves. If an interesting distraction pops into the impulsive child’s mind, the child may do Q, or maybe he skips X, and then performs step Y five times in a row, louder and louder. Impulsiveness happens to be exacerbated by emotion, even positive emotion. The child with self-regulation challenges may become elated and silly when happy, and his fight-flight-freeze response may get activated by everyday experiences.

Indeed, weakness in social skills often comes with other challenges, such as regulating emotions, impulses, and behaviors. Feelings such as anxiety or frustration overflow, causing children to act out their distress behaviorally. In my experience, it is not enough to teach a child a social skill only, because emotions and impulses may block his ability to execute it. If it were so simple, we would just ask the child with SECCs to “Improve this behavior” or “Stop doing that behavior.” Many children simply can’t change their behavior on demand. Some children do not (yet) have the self-awareness or self-control in real time to change based solely on a helpful tip. Not only do feelings get in the way of successful socialization, but emotional and sensory flooding triggers instinctive behaviors that may clash with social or classroom expectations.

If your child could socialize or behave “better,” he would. The lay public will often misunderstand a child with SECCs. People just don’t realize that he can’t help it. Most adults who don’t spend a lot of time with children with SECCs erroneously ascribe intent and meaning to the child’s behavior. “That kid’s mean.” “He is doing that on purpose.” “His parents have no control over him.” “What a jerk.” “He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.” That’s a lot of negative judgement that can weigh on anyone.

I’m sure you experience society’s pressure to have your child behave in a conventional way—like “most kids should.” You witness inappropriate behavior or get an email from your child’s teacher and respond the way you were taught since you were a child—with old-school discipline, lectures, or consequences. The parenting and classroom management techniques that work with neurotypical children often don’t work with the child with SECCs. 

If you feel societal pressure for your child to blend in, cooperate, and connect, you may cultivate a subconscious (or conscious) sense of desperation. In your urgency to stem the behavior quickly, your mind may adopt value judgments. You might lapse into black-and-white thinking, which breaks things down into polarities of good and bad, or in-control versus out-of-control. I call this binary-behavioral thinking, which is a dead end for your child and your relationship with your child.

You want to address “bad,” disruptive or out-of-control behavior ASAP—preferably yesterday. You ratchet up the consequences or your volume, but your increasingly intense interventions cause pain and frustration, conflict and tension, rejection and distance. Worst of all, they don’t work. Your child probably does not stop the behavior in question, and he doesn’t learn new ways to behave. The old way isn’t netting the results you desire. A part of you may feel hopeless and you may want to throw your hands in the air and give up. You know that isn’t the answer, but what is a caregiver to do?

Your child’s mixed neurological and emotional differences demand a specific and unique approach. The support strategy you develop needs to take into consideration all the child’s abilities and cognitive differences. We need to build on his uncommon strengths and compensate for blind spots in his mental processing profile. To move forward, your child needs all the adults in his life to adopt a developmental focus with a teaching and coaching mindset.

Your child needs to learn positive replacement social-coping skills [BL5] to handle life’s frustrations. Then, he needs a village of supportive caregivers to reinforce and support the acquisition of those skills. Most social skills practitioners assert, and the research agrees, that the best social-coping skills training must occur across the therapist-home-school settings.

This book provides you and your child’s support network the skills to do just that. Imagine feeling competent and confident in helping your child grow toward your dreams for him—and his goals for himself. We want your child to dream dreams for himself, and to make them come true. That is my wish for you and for your child. I hope that you will find at least one—if not five or ten—actionable strategies that will empower you and make your child’s life better.

The book is broken into two sections. Section 1 introduces the subject of social-coping skills training and promotes an ultra-positive and compassionate approach emanating from the Person-Centered/Humanistic tradition of therapy. Many children with social skills challenges find themselves in negative feedback cycles with the world. This section proposes the imperative for and the means to reverse that negative cycle and make it positive. Section 1 encompasses chapters one and two. Chapter 1 focuses on social-coping skills development in a holistic and humanistic framework. Chapter 2 covers understanding levels of frustration/brain arousal and supporting emotions in service of social-coping skills training.

Section 2 gets into the nuts and bolts of social-coping skills training. It teaches practical strategies to reinforce pro-social behaviors, discourage negative ones, and coach children through social miscues. Chapter 3 describes ways to deliver Therapeutic Love in the form of an ultra-positive reinforcement and behavior support program. Chapter 4 details strategies and scripts to guide caregivers’ social-emotional coaching and problem-solving efforts. Chapter 5 illuminates misconceptions of, and realistic implementation of limits and boundaries. It differentiates unacceptable behaviors from social mistakes.

Enjoy.

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