Social Skills Tip O' The Day

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 1:

The Unwritten Social Contract

This social lesson establishes the very foundation for any successful relationship and group. It holds friendship, marriages, teams, and all of society together. THE TEAM FOR FUN. The contract is: “We will try to stay close together in (friendship, teamwork, relationship etc.), by keeping each other happy and comfortable.” 

You alternate two jobs on the Contract. Half the time you are responsible for keeping yourself happy, regulated, and comfortable. You do this by using learnable tools: assertiveness, flexibility, self-regulation, and problem-solving.

The other half of the time, you are responsible for keeping others happy and comfortable. You do this by using learnable skills of perspective taking, generosity, flexibility, and negotiation-compromise.

Most people (but not all) follow the Social Contract, and you can help yourself by signing on! Onward and upward! --Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 2: 

Your Reputation Project: Get Good Reactions

A reputation is formed by the way people think and feel about you. From physics, we know that every action causes and equal reaction. This cause-effect relationship is true in socialization, as well. Use the following formula to help your child enhance and maintain a great reputation:

IF I do ___(insert behavior)___ action,

THEN kids will:

Think __________ about me;

Feel __________ about me;

Do __________ behavior towards me;

Effective social behaviors in the top “behavior” line guarantee a positive reaction. This formula helps users select great social behaviors that get great reactions! Good luck on your Reputation Project. Onward and upward!  -Mike

 Accept DIFFERENT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT MINDS and you’ll be in position to learn and practice most other social skills! Onward and upward!  -Mike 

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 3: Different People Have Different Minds

“Different Minds” establishes Theory of Mind, a.k.a. perspective taking. It is the essential awareness that each person has unique thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, and motivations.

1.Make it OK that people don’t have the same ideas, interests, and feelings. We can and should tolerate DIFFERENT MINDS. Say, “OK, I hear you.” or, “You’re entitled to your opinion.” Avoid saying, “That’s stupid!”, “That’s babyish!” or, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” How would you feel if people reject/insult your ideas (what’s in your mind)?”

2.If you have SIMILAR MINDS (share common interests), it’s fun because you can chat or play on the same topic.

 3.When you find out what people’s minds LIKE, do more of it. When you find out what they DON’T LIKE/what bothers them, do less of that.

Caregivers, after you teach your child to use her eyes to read others, play charades and Pictionary and include emotions as prompts. Give the directive, “Think About Me With Your Eyes”. You needn’t demand eye contact; simple ask your child to direct his attention to you for instructions or to “Read Me Like a Book”. Onward and upward! 

-Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 4: Read People Like a Book

If you want to figure out if someone is happy or unhappy with you; if he needs help or if she wants to play, you need to use two body parts together: your eyes and your brain. When you read a book you use your eyes to scan the page and your mind to understand the words. The same thing happens with friends!

 Get control over your eyes. Tell them the most important thing to look at -- PEOPLE. Be a friendship detective and look for clues: What facial expression is my friend showing now? What does his body language tell me? If he’s happy, do more of whatever you’re doing. If she’s sad or worried, check in, “Are you OK?” If he’s angry, stop doing whatever you’re doing and give him space until he calms down.

 On the Social Contract (Tip #1), you need to ZOOM IN on yourself (How do I feel…what do I want…what do I need?) AND you must ZOOM OUT on others and the group (class, family, etc.). Ask your child to ZOOM IN on what’s going on for her, and ask your child to ZOOM OUT to think about your family’s feelings and needs. Onward and upward!  -Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 5: Zoom In and Zoom Out on Friends

If someone were taking a picture of you alone, he could ZOOM IN because you are the only one to focus on. You are the expert of YOU. You know exactly how you think, how you feel, and what you want. ZOOMED-IN THINKING is “all about ME.” When you are all alone, you can act pretty much any way you want.

When you are around other people, a photographer must ZOOM OUT to get everyone in the picture. The photographer must think about the whole group. When you leave the house and you’re around others, you need to use ZOOMED-OUT THINKING. It’s not all about YOU, it’s about you and OTHERS, you and THE GROUP. What is in each of their minds (AoF Tip #3)? What does each person want? What does the whole group need to be productive or fun?

 Ask your child which ROAD he would prefer to take? What is her or her ROAD TO HAPPINESS with friends? Is the ROAD TO HAPPINESS when you get what you want or when you keep the group happy? How about staying calm? What’s the ROAD TO HAPPINESS with siblings? With family? What is your child’s ROAD TO SUCCESS regarding school/work?” MAKE GREAT CHOICES! Onward and upward.  --Mike 

Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip # 6: Self-Determination: Take Your Road to Happiness

Life boils down to a series of decisions. All day long, people have hundreds of choices to make. Minor decisions might be “Am I in the mood for chocolate or vanilla?” Major decisions might be, “Should I accept the fact that I can’t make my peer adopt my point of view and instead try to constructively negotiate a compromise?” or “Should I take a risk and give up a little free time and ask this teacher for extra help?”

Here are the main points from the ROAD TO HAPPINESS lesson:

1. You are faced with the choice: Do I take the ROAD TO HAPPINESS or the road to SADNESS, ANGER, OR FAILURE? (intentionally dramatic to make a point).

2. Which ROAD would you prefer to take? How do you know how to make a good decision for yourself?

3. “Decision Point” is the fork in the road (see the image), your moment of decision. At the decision point you must “STOP AND THINK.”

4. When you STOP AND THINK, you should ask yourself “WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO ___________?” It is difficult for students to anticipate the future. This predictive question is one that your child must practice, practice, practice, and master.

5. After you predict the positive outcome – DO IT!

Onward and upward!  --Mike 

Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #7: Be Bendy = Flexible

The mighty oak tree has hard wood, good for furniture and building things, but it snaps and falls down during storms! The BENDY palm tree flexes and bends when hurricane wind whips; IT SURVIVES! If your mind isn’t bendy, someone’s feelings will SNAP like the oak tree. You or your partner will be impatient, frustrated, or angry. It’s way better to have a BENDY MIND like the flexible palm tree. If you can make your mind FLEXIBLE, you can bend away from your first idea, and think about OPTIONS, ALTERNATE SOLUTIONS, and COMPROMISES. You can also HANDLE CHANGE and TRANSITIONS. Be BENDY and your feelings and relationships will survive.  

“No”, “Only”, “Now”, “Always”, “Never”, and “My way” are INFLEXIBLE words, NOT BENDY. Someone’s feelings will snap if you think or say those words. “No, it always has to be my way.” Instead, use BENDY words, like, “Yes”, I’ll try”, Later”, “Sometimes”, and “Maybe”. (e.g.“Sure, maybe I can do that later.”) When you use BENDIER words like these, you and others can survive the disagreement or change.

Onward and upward! --Mike

 Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #8: Be Bendy = Change Your Mind…On Purpose

When you are BENDY of mind, you can keep yourself calm, your reputation great, and friendships strong. If you and another person have DIFFERENT MINDS about something (Tip #3), you may disagree. Also, if the schedule requires a transition or if plans change, you need to shift. You don’t want to SNAP. When these things happen it’s time to INTENTIONALLY CHANGE YOUR MIND…why?... because it’s GOOD FOR YOU (and your partner or group). Here’s how:

Imagine, whatever you are thinking or doing is in the FRONT OF YOUR MIND; point at your forehead. If you are NOT BENDY, your idea is stuck hard in the FRONT OF YOUR MIND. You can’t stop thinking, doing, or saying it. Careful, someone will SNAP with frustration.

Instead, remember that everything else you know is stored in the BACK OF YOUR MIND. Touch the back of your cranium. The BACK OF YOUR MIND is where you keep all the memories, ideas, and thoughts you aren’t using right now. To be BENDY you must pluck the UNHELPFUL THOUGHT from the FRONT OF YOUR MIND and move it to the BACK. Then, select a NEW HELPFUL THOUGHT from the BACK OF YOUR MIND and move it to the FRONT, where you can use it.

Think, “I will CHAGE MY MIND ON PURPOSE BECAUSE IT’S GOOD FOR ME (or the class, the friendship, the family, or group). Use hand motions practicing moving stuck thoughts from the FRONT to the BACK and bringing helpful solutions to the FRONT.

Onward and upward! –Mike

Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #9: Two Ways to Compromise

If you are a TEAM FOR FUN (Tip #1) the best way to TAKE THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS (Tip #6) is to BE BENDY (Tips #7, 8). When you and a partner disagree, you can still stay close together and keep it calm by COMPROMISING. A COMPROMISE is when both people give up some of their first idea to keep each other happy. There are two main compromises: MIX YOUR IDEAS TOGETHER IN THE IDEA POT and BALANCE THE SCALES OF FUN.

Here’s the first COMPROMISE to try: When you disagree, you and your friend’s minds are far apart. It’s hard to have fun TOGETHER. Imagine your ideas are a liquid, called Idea Juice. As you and your friend take steps closer towards the Idea Pot, each of you spills some of your Idea Juice. You CHANGE YOUR MIND ON PURPOSE and give up a little of your original idea. You both pour your Idea Juice into the IDEA POT and mix. You should say, “Let’s use a little of your idea and a little of mine!” When you COMPROMISE this way, you stay happy TOGETHER because you combined your ideas. 

Sometimes it’s not possible to combine ideas at once, like if one person wants to go outside and shoot hoops and the other person wants to play Minecraft. Don’t panic! You can use COMPROMISE #2: BALANCE THE SCALES OF FUN. Say, “We can do BOTH of our ideas. First we can do your idea and then we’ll do mine!” It’s like putting weights on alternating sides of a balance scale. After one of you has a turn, it’s important to BALANCE THE SCALE by making sure the second person’s idea gets used. You don’t need to get upset if someone else’s idea is used; if you use the Power of I (Tip #10), you can stick up for yourself and ask your friend for a turn. Balance those scales!!

Onward and upward!  --Mike 

Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #10: Healthy Assertiveness: The Power of I

You are POWERFUL. I don’t mean with fists and fighting, but with words. Point to your chest. This is your core, your center, the home of your spirit. When you say “I” you point to yourself. Your lungs push air up through your voice box, and your mouth forms words that comes from your POWER CENTER. When you want to advocate (stick up) for yourself, you should begin with the POWER OF I.

“I feel __________.”

“I’d like __________.”

“I need __________.”

People are way likely to want to help you if you point to your power and say “I”. However, if you use THE BOO OF “YOU”, you stick up for yourself in a way that no one wants to help. When you start with the word, “YOU”, it sounds like,

“You always __________.”

“You never __________.”

“You  !@#$%*.”

Beginning with the word “you” makes people defensive and angry, and they don’t know what you want or need. “YOU” is best used when you are giving compliments. Stick with the POWER OF I to self-advocate and you may get what you want or need more often.

Onward and upward! --Mike

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