Social Skills Tip O' The Day

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 1:

The Unwritten Social Contract

This social lesson establishes the very foundation for any successful relationship and group. It holds friendship, marriages, teams, and all of society together. THE TEAM FOR FUN. The contract is: “We will try to stay close together in (friendship, teamwork, relationship etc.), by keeping each other happy and comfortable.” 

You alternate two jobs on the Contract. Half the time you are responsible for keeping yourself happy, regulated, and comfortable. You do this by using learnable tools: assertiveness, flexibility, self-regulation, and problem-solving.

The other half of the time, you are responsible for keeping others happy and comfortable. You do this by using learnable skills of perspective taking, generosity, flexibility, and negotiation-compromise.

Most people (but not all) follow the Social Contract, and you can help yourself by signing on! Onward and upward! --Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 2: 

Your Reputation Project: Get Good Reactions

A reputation is formed by the way people think and feel about you. From physics, we know that every action causes and equal reaction. This cause-effect relationship is true in socialization, as well. Use the following formula to help your child enhance and maintain a great reputation:

IF I do ___(insert behavior)___ action,

THEN kids will:

Think __________ about me;

Feel __________ about me;

Do __________ behavior towards me;

Effective social behaviors in the top “behavior” line guarantee a positive reaction. This formula helps users select great social behaviors that get great reactions! Good luck on your Reputation Project. Onward and upward!  -Mike

 Accept DIFFERENT PEOPLE HAVE DIFFERENT MINDS and you’ll be in position to learn and practice most other social skills! Onward and upward!  -Mike 

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 3: Different People Have Different Minds

“Different Minds” establishes Theory of Mind, a.k.a. perspective taking. It is the essential awareness that each person has unique thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, and motivations.

1.Make it OK that people don’t have the same ideas, interests, and feelings. We can and should tolerate DIFFERENT MINDS. Say, “OK, I hear you.” or, “You’re entitled to your opinion.” Avoid saying, “That’s stupid!”, “That’s babyish!” or, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” How would you feel if people reject/insult your ideas (what’s in your mind)?”

2.If you have SIMILAR MINDS (share common interests), it’s fun because you can chat or play on the same topic.

 3.When you find out what people’s minds LIKE, do more of it. When you find out what they DON’T LIKE/what bothers them, do less of that.

Caregivers, after you teach your child to use her eyes to read others, play charades and Pictionary and include emotions as prompts. Give the directive, “Think About Me With Your Eyes”. You needn’t demand eye contact; simple ask your child to direct his attention to you for instructions or to “Read Me Like a Book”. Onward and upward! 

-Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 4: Read People Like a Book

If you want to figure out if someone is happy or unhappy with you; if he needs help or if she wants to play, you need to use two body parts together: your eyes and your brain. When you read a book you use your eyes to scan the page and your mind to understand the words. The same thing happens with friends!

 Get control over your eyes. Tell them the most important thing to look at -- PEOPLE. Be a friendship detective and look for clues: What facial expression is my friend showing now? What does his body language tell me? If he’s happy, do more of whatever you’re doing. If she’s sad or worried, check in, “Are you OK?” If he’s angry, stop doing whatever you’re doing and give him space until he calms down.

 On the Social Contract (Tip #1), you need to ZOOM IN on yourself (How do I feel…what do I want…what do I need?) AND you must ZOOM OUT on others and the group (class, family, etc.). Ask your child to ZOOM IN on what’s going on for her, and ask your child to ZOOM OUT to think about your family’s feelings and needs. Onward and upward!  -Mike

Art of Friendship Social Skills Tip # 5: Zoom In and Zoom Out on Friends

If someone were taking a picture of you alone, he could ZOOM IN because you are the only one to focus on. You are the expert of YOU. You know exactly how you think, how you feel, and what you want. ZOOMED-IN THINKING is “all about ME.” When you are all alone, you can act pretty much any way you want.

When you are around other people, a photographer must ZOOM OUT to get everyone in the picture. The photographer must think about the whole group. When you leave the house and you’re around others, you need to use ZOOMED-OUT THINKING. It’s not all about YOU, it’s about you and OTHERS, you and THE GROUP. What is in each of their minds (AoF Tip #3)? What does each person want? What does the whole group need to be productive or fun?

 Ask your child which ROAD he would prefer to take? What is her or her ROAD TO HAPPINESS with friends? Is the ROAD TO HAPPINESS when you get what you want or when you keep the group happy? How about staying calm? What’s the ROAD TO HAPPINESS with siblings? With family? What is your child’s ROAD TO SUCCESS regarding school/work?” MAKE GREAT CHOICES! Onward and upward.  --Mike 

Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip # 6: Self-Determination: Take Your Road to Happiness

Life boils down to a series of decisions. All day long, people have hundreds of choices to make. Minor decisions might be “Am I in the mood for chocolate or vanilla?” Major decisions might be, “Should I accept the fact that I can’t make my peer adopt my point of view and instead try to constructively negotiate a compromise?” or “Should I take a risk and give up a little free time and ask this teacher for extra help?”

Here are the main points from the ROAD TO HAPPINESS lesson:

1. You are faced with the choice: Do I take the ROAD TO HAPPINESS or the road to SADNESS, ANGER, OR FAILURE? (intentionally dramatic to make a point).

2. Which ROAD would you prefer to take? How do you know how to make a good decision for yourself?

3. “Decision Point” is the fork in the road (see the image), your moment of decision. At the decision point you must “STOP AND THINK.”

4. When you STOP AND THINK, you should ask yourself “WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DO ___________?” It is difficult for students to anticipate the future. This predictive question is one that your child must practice, practice, practice, and master.

5. After you predict the positive outcome – DO IT!

Onward and upward!  --Mike

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