Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #16: Level-Up Your Friendship in the Friendship Video Game
This lesson outlines the steps, skills, and types of conversation involved in forming and deepening a friendship or social relationship. We’ll use the familiar analogy of sequentially beating levels in a VIDEO GAME to concretely illuminate this invisible and abstract process. One point that seems to evade many children with social skills challenges is that moving to ever deeper LEVELS of friendship requires a predictable sequence of tasks covering a period of TIME. You can’t beat all the LEVELS of a VIDEO GAME in one day. You needs to advance through each of these levels with peers before becoming friends. The levels unfold as follows:
LEVEL 1: ACQUAINTANCES are people you just met. Some ACQUAINTANCES are people you will only see once or twice like cashiers or bus drivers. Simply say hi to those one-off people and wish them a nice day, but they probably aren't looking to deepen relationships with you, and vice-versa. But when you first meet kids at social or group settings, they represent opportunities for fun and friendship. You just met and need to assess whether the ACQUAINTANCE is safe, "normal", or nice. You look to see if they appear clean, relatively calm and friendly, and listen to hear if they give off a friendly and safe-sounding voice.
YOUR LEVEL 1 TASK: Gather information from ACQUAINTANCES, looking for general commonalities that may begin to link you. Ask questions and exchange info regarding your name, age, grade, and where you go to school.
LEVEL 2: ACTIVITY MATES: These are all the kids at an ACTIVITY. ACTIVITIES include anything outside the house, like school, camp, soccer, drama, gymnastics, dance, etc. You may like some MATES better and you may not be interested in others. You may even dislike some kids in the total social pool. Make it a personal rule to treat them all with kindness and respect whether you like them or not. Some may have annoying behavior, but you don’t need to punish them or be mean. How would you like it if an ACTIVITY MATE did that to you if they thought you were annoying for things you can’t control? Everyone deserves respect and kindness. Think about how great the world would be if everyone treated all MATES kindly.
YOUR LEVEL 2 TASK: Notice who’s nice and fun and who has a few interests in common with you. Put out feeler questions like, “What do you like to do?” or “Do you ever do ______?” Look at kids’ t-shirts, folders, or other things that have pictures or logos for clues about their interests. Start to notice who shows up in the area or activity you choose at recess. When kids constantly appear on the swing set with you at recess or on the sports field with you, you can assume you may have common interests or likes. In conversation, talk and joke about your SHARED ACTIVITY and its leaders with your ACTIVITY MATES. Conversing is a great way to connect and simultaneously determine who has similar attitudes about the people and the activity. All these shared attitudes and interests provide the spark that can take you to the NEXT LEVEL ON THE FRIENDSHIP VIDEO GAME.
LEVEL 3: ACTIVITY FRIENDS are the kids who you hang out with the most at the activity. You sit near them, often have lunch together, and talk or play together. You talk about your interests, especially ones in common. You can also discuss current events, sports, video games, You Tube channels, your own activities and plans, and a range of ON TARGET topics. ACTIVITY FRIENDS prioritize each other, meaning, they often plan to find each other, saying, “Save me a seat near you at lunch.” Even if you are not in the same class or group, ACTIVITY FRIENDS plan ahead to find each other, “I’ll meet you on the jungle gym at recess.” You enjoy each other while participating at the ACTIVITY. There is only one downside to having an ACTIVITY FRIEND. That is, if you don’t advance them to the next level, ACTIVITY FRIENDS disappear when the activity ends. Then you start over at the next activity and the next weekend without a friend. You WIN THE FRIENDSHIP VIDEO GAME by moving to the next level.
YOUR LEVEL 3 TASK: SPEND THE MOST TIME AT THE ACTIVITY WITH YOUR ACTIVITY FRIENDS AND ENJOY USING YOUR CONVERSATION AND PLAY SKILLS.
LEVEL 4: HOME/OUTSIDE FRIENDS: You convert ACTIVITY FRIENDS to OUTSIDE/HOME FRIENDS by inviting them to do things outside the activity, like play dates or sleepovers. This is when friendships really take off. You start to make fun memories outside of the activity. Your friendship grows stronger, and you like each other even better when you see each other at the activity. It’s great to collect several HOME/OUTSIDE FRIENDS from various activities. Please don’t feel pressure to label one person a BEST FRIEND. It is fine to have a rotation of HOME/OUTSIDE FRIENDS. This way, if one person is busy on a weekend, you have other options for fun! If you eventually develop favorite HOME FRIENDS with whom you want to spend the most time, you have a BEST FRIEND! Some kids fret that they will exclude others if you develop a BEST FRIEND. Not to worry, you can have a favorite person and enjoy other friendships.
YOUR LEVEL 4 TASK TO WIN THE GAME: INVITE YOUR FAVORITE ACTIVITY FRIENDS TO DO THINGS TOGETHER OUTSIDE THE ACTIVITY. DEEPEN THE FRIENDSHIP, HAVE THE MOST FUN, AND MAKE GREAT MEMORIES!
It takes months to reach the higher FRIENDSHIP LEVELS - you can't just declare someone a FRIEND, or even a BEST FRIEND, when you first meet. You must get used to each other, assess who is nice, fun, trustworthy, and move through all the levels. The Art of Friendship social skills lessons are like power-ups that help you “win" the FRIENDSHIP VIDEO GAME. To win friends, you must practice the SOCIAL CONTRACT, GET GOOD REACTIONS, BOUNCE THE CONVERSATION LIKE A TENNIS GAME, GIVE GIFT BEHAVIORS, and use all the skills we cover here.
Reinforcement strategy: Encourage your child to observe the LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP in their current activities. Ask your child about various peers and friends they have in different settings. Do they have ACTIVITY MATES on their radar they haven’t yet converted to an ACTIVITY FRIEND? Do they have favorite ACTIVITY FRIENDS they haven’t yet leveled-up to a HOME FRIEND? Would your child like to strengthen school friendships? Move them into higher LEVELS OF FRIENDSHIP? Encourage your child to keep using all their social and coping skills to talk and play and win the FRIENDSHIP VIDEO GAME!
Onward and upward! --Mike