Art of Friendship Social-Coping Tip #13: Mental Apps: Defining Conversation Topics & How to Use Them
Let’s define a TOPIC using the metaphor of COMPUTERS AND FILES. In some ways, your brain is like a computer or smartphone. When you click on an icon on the screen, what happens? A FILE opens. The device brings to the screen everything it knows about that FILE. The human brain does the same thing. Anything you think or talk about is stored in a MENTAL FILE, which is a TOPIC. If you want to figure out what TOPIC is being discussed, name that FILE!
RECIPROCAL CONVERSATION BOUNCES BACK AND FORTH like a tennis game. It involves two or more people clicking on MENTAL FILES with the same TOPIC TITLE and taking turns asking and sharing information stored in them. There are a few guidelines you need to follow when FILE SHARING TOPICS with other people in CONVERSATION:
The CONVERSATION must bounce back and forth in the CONVERSATION TENNIS GAME and include everyone in the group. Notice when people haven’t talked in a while and invite them to say something from their FILE on that subject. Say, “How about you, _____[name]_____, what do you know/think about _____[topic]_____.” Monitor participation and include everyone.
Do not empty your FILE in one long lecture! That is a one-sided CONVERSATION, and your partners hate those. Bor-r-ring! The ball stops BOUNCING, CONVERSATION stops VOLLEYING, and friends get bored if you hog the ball! Ask, “What do you want to talk about?”
Don’t CHANGE TOPCS too quickly. On a computer, when you click too many FILES too quickly, it gets overwhelmed and freezes or crashes. The same thing happens with people. They get confused or frustrated when you JUMP TOPICS too quickly. STAY ON TOPIC. Let the CONVERSATION BOUNCE AROUND A TOPIC for a while by saying "How about you?", “What else…”, or "What do you think about ______?"
Use a CONVERSATION SWITCHER (Tip #12) to prepare partners’ minds to click on a new MENTAL FILE and CHANGE TOPICS: When it feels as though most people stopped commenting ON TOPIC, you and the group are running out of new things to add. Say, “That reminds me…” or “Do you mind if I CHANGE THE TOPIC?” Now their minds are prepped, and you can offer a new TOPIC/FILE on which to click.
Caregiver reinforcement strategy: Have your family practice BOUNCING A CONVERSATION on a TOPIC at dinner time. Label the TOPIC, "We're talking about each other's day." or "The TOPIC is our weekend plans." Try to have everyone MENTALLY CLICK ON THE SAME FILE to contribute to the CONVERSATION. As a baseline, each person can ask a question or add at least one thing they know about the topic. Try not to JUMP TOPICS until everyone has had at least one turn. If it is a fertile TOPIC, multiple people might add a second or third comment or follow-up question. When the TOPIC feels as though it is talked out, someone can use a CONVERSATION SWITCHER. Enjoy your CONVERSATION TENNIS GAME!
ONWARD AND UPWARD! — Mike Fogel